Wednesday, July 21 2004 @ 09:59 PM EST
---===Holonet Journal Correction==---
Yesterday's erroneous report of the Emperor's demise is believed to be the work of rebel slicers. Imperial investigators are examining holonode 127.THX.74.1138.7GL in the Corellian system where the false story appears to have entered the Holonet Journal. Initial findings indicate this might be the work of DARK guild members but seeing as to how this guild is nothing but loyal to the Emperor imperial intelligence believes this evidence was planted by the true perpetrators.
Once the individual, group, or organization responsible is found swift &*%^d Retri...456747 will be dished o&*&^#... SUCH DOOM AND GLOOM FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED IT HERE IS A REPRINT OF YESTERDAYS ARTICLE.
---===Holonet Journal URGENT NEWS==---
Emperor Palpatine is dead. Apparently a Dwarf Nuna called fluffy, whom the Emperor has raised since it hatched, suddenly turned violent. Before Imperial guards could react fluffy viciously attacked the Emperor and stripped his bones clean. The Emperor apparently was not prepared for the attack and Fluffy had stripped his bones clean before imperial guardsman Idogiva Ratsaz could destroy Fluffy.
Lord Vader has assumed the mantle of Emperor. His first action was to offer all rebels amnesty in exchange for joining with Imperial forces to rid the galaxy of Dwarf Nunas.
Sinar Systems has been granted the exclusive rights to all Dwarf Nuna hides for use in their new line of Emperor Palpatine commemorative seat cushions for landspeeders and small privately owned luxury yachts. These are expected to sell well as the Emperor was loved by all.
Memorial Services are planned for Sunday. Mandated clothing for all citizens attending the Emperor's funeral is pink hide boots, yellow skirts and blue halter tops as this was for some unknown reason the last combination of clothes worn by our beloved Emperor.
DON'T KNOW WHY THEY DIDN'T LET MY ARTICLE STAND I NOW RETURN YOU TO REGULAR HOLONET NEWS
...this person or organization will be found and publicly executed a fuming Ysane Issard promised.
This reporter personally can't believe that anyone would commit such a heinous crime against Holonet Journal. I hope Issard's prediction comes true.
Lead Corellian Reporter
Thursday, July 22 2004 @ 03:10 PM EST
---===Holonet Journal Entry 586.4432GL==---
Lord Vader was hospitalized today after a weapons malfunction blew off his hand, yet again. Initial reports suggested sabotage but recent findings suggest that improper weapons maintenance might be to blame.
Lord Vader was giving a speech at the imperial academy when he ignited his antique lightsaber to drive home a point on the invincible might of the Empire. No sooner did the blade form on this outmoded relic of a weapon than Vader's hand was engulfed in the same red glow as his blade.
Investigators theorize that Lord Vader might have failed to replace a worn out focusing crystal which fractured and allowed the dangerous emanations of his weapon to flow down the handle and Lord Varder's arm. Luckily the weapon, and unfortunately the Dark Lord's hand, was vaporized by these forces before the crystal fully shattered as this reportedly would have caused an explosion sufficient to vaporize half the Imperial Academy.
Since Lord Vador's hand was already a mechanical replacement, apparently the Dark Lord is prone to loosing body parts, doctors say his recovery should take less that one standard day.
This reporter looks forward to the day when all these ancient relics are out of use throughout the Galaxy. I support Senator YumYum Good's bill calling for the eradication of all Jedi artifacts and look forward to its passage during the fall senate meetings.
Coruscant Political Reporter