Friday, December 31 2004 @ 10:18 PM EST
---===Holonet Journal Entry 586.12314GL==---
Coruscant - This is a special behind the scenes look at the mysterious man known as the Dark Lord of the Sith. His past is shrouded in shadows. Some say he is a fallen Jedi Knight, some claim he is a prototype super clone left over from the Clone Wars, some say he is among the last of the feared Mandalorians, and yet others claim there is no man behind the mask at all and that Lord Vader is simply an exceptionally advanced battle droid developed near the end of the Clone Wars and thankfully never mass produced.
A crack team of reporters were sent out to dig into some of Vader's more interesting aspects. Whatzt Twoya the Correlian reporter that revealed the hidden dangers in MSE droids looked into the mystery of the "Force Choke." Mndyor Ownbiznss the Faleen reporter that last month uncovered the Rebel's hidden base on Ord Mantel looks into "Force Lightning." Taika Hyk the writer from Naboo that won an Astronavie for her piece "Sunguards, Headwear or Cookware?" investigates Vader's voice. Looking into The Dark Lord's Galaxy renowned flying skill is Toobit Slakar The Corellian Gazette journalist who uncovered the reason for Tatooine's Kreetle shortage and the source of the Empire's latest addition to its ranks. And finally from the Mon Calamari Daily Splash we have investigative reporter Goyngta Herll reveals who or what really is behind the ominous mask.
The infamous "Force Choke" that the Dark Lord has been known to use liberally on his own troops to maintain discipline is little more than a hoax. Our sources report that small nano-bots are included in each and every flu shot given to Imperial forces. Through subtle manipulations of a controller on his belt and a line of sight transmitter in his gauntlet Lord Vader merely commands these nano-bots to restrict airflow in his victim. Newer versions of the nano-bots have miniature repulserlifts allowing them to lift victims off the ground several inches, thus enhancing the display.
Terrifying and deadly "Force Lightning" has been seen emanating from the fingertips of Lord Vader. This turns out to be simply an electrical discharge from capacitors in Vader's mechanical arms. It is nothing more than a bit of theatrics utilizing the Dark Lord's cybernetic enhancements.
The deep and intimidating voice of Vader comes from a voice masker built into his helmet. We have obtained recording made of the Dark One's voice without his helmet on and his actual voice is weak and raspy. Additionally the sound of his respirator is amplified by this device to add to his menacing aura.
Vader is known throughout the Galaxy as a star fighter pilot without equal. But is it the Force that gives him his skill? Or is there a more mundane explanation? A retired Imperial Special Forces Star fighter Mechanic informs us, that there is a simple explanation for Vader's unusual flying ability. Apparently in addition to the much publicized hyperdrive the Dark Lord's personal fighter craft has a highly advanced computer system. The system is tied to all aspects of the fighter, thrusters, sensors, weapons, shields, everything.
Shortly before delivery of this fighter to the Dark Lord a test was run where a common Woolamander was placed in the cockpit of the fighter and then launched into space. Together the Woolamander and fighter were able to destroy an entire squadron of tiefighters flown by veteran pilots.
Needless to say in anyone's hands this system would give the appearance of unparallelled skill. It now appears possible that Lord Vader might not more flying skill than your average teenager and is simply along for the ride.
The mystery of what is behind the mask...
After countless interviews, months of data analysis, seemingly endless observation and a little system slicing Holonet Journal believes we can reveal to you the definitive answer to this mystery.
All trails lead back to the rimworld of Tatooine. An insignificant dustball of a planet that can not produce enough water to sustain its own inhabitants appears to have produced a being whose dark shadow looms over all aspects of the Empire.
A boy of exceptional skill is said to have been born on this planet. By the age of ten the young boy had just started to make a name for himself when a pair of Jedi Knights abducted him and brought him to their stronghold that once occupied a prime location on Coruscant.
Lord Vader is not a droid. Well at least not entirely. It is true that many parts of his body have been cybernetically enhanced or replaced. Apparently the Dark Lord has a certain knack for loosing body parts yet surviving. This may have been one of the talents that brought the young man to our beloved Emperor's attention.
The Emperor paid for the young man's recovery from a near death accident involving a volcano and one Obi-Wan Kenobi. Apparently the boy confronted the infamous Jedi Outlaw and was nearly murdered. Emperor Palpatine saw that the youth was nursed back to health and taught the young man the glory of the Empire.
Thanks to the enhancements in his new cybernetically enhanced body the young man was able to lead the Empire's efforts to wipe out the accursed Jedi. In recognition of his achievements the Emperor bestowed upon the young Vader the title Dark Lord of the Sith.
Since that time Lord Vader has led the Empire to glory and made the Imperial military forces superior to any military in history. None dare stand against its might.
It seems the more questions we answer about this unique being, the more questions arise. Check back with us next month when Ace Reporter Ghrabya Ballz reveals the results of his investigation into rumors that Lord Vader might has relatives in the Rebellion. This is Hanson Yeraz saying good night from the bright center of the universe.